Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
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