My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
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