I will die if light touches me.
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
Whatever it was. it was pregnant.
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Woke up with a bed full of sand...care to explain?
Isnt is self explanatory?
Randomize
