I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Is Oprah even human
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
