Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
whoever brushed my teeth and whitened them while i was passed out, thanks.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
