i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
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