Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
if i get arrested im counting on you to get a picture of it
I think pants incapable of making pants work
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
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