The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
HEY. That drawer full of booze in my dorm room also has aspirin and Tums in it. So don't tell me I don't care about health.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
just went home with a guy that made fun of me in elementary school. this blow job is not going well for him.
Randomize