So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
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