Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Randomize
