Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
