Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
