You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
She's the barista slut.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
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