I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
I woke up with a picture of my dick as my background. still wondering if it was a good night or not.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
do nipples grow back?
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize