Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Randomize
