I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Holy sore nipples Batman
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
