Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I made out with about ten people last night. And four of them were just on the way to my car from the bar. And one was my roommate.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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