I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
