somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
What do you mean you haven’t had the fantasy of getting anally penetrated by a tentacle monster?
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