Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
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