Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
