I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Randomize
