There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Panties = found
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