The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
Apparent my drunk ass was so dedicated to taking a piss, when I walked across the dance floor to get to the bathroom a 9/10 broad tried to dance with me and I just pushed her aside, like hard enough to send her a few feet from where she was standing, pointed at her and said "Not now chief, gotta rock a mean one."
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