He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
she was dressed as a doctor claiming that after she was done i would have a "permaboner"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
