Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Guess who just made out with Sloth from The Goonies!
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Randomize
