my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
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