Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
