it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
false alarm, still single
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize