Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
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