I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
