i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
Randomize
