If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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