All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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