I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
Where is the hickey?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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