What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
New plan, instead of sleeping with her, I'm just going to use her to sleep with the entire sorority.
My dad just decided to play wingman for me... I dont want to let the family down... but both these girls are hideous
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
I'm the brains and you're the boobs of this operation.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Observations from Vegas: #1. Strippers pasties pose a choking hazard. #2. Best. Heimlich. Ever.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
Randomize
