**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
We got high, had sex, and watched retro scooby doo shows. Best friends with benefits yet.
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