No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Like I actually don't feel all that great but the fact that I'm not projectile vomiting at work makes life seem so magical
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
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