a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Your cock deserves a montage
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
The day i have a fb album titled " I have become a townie" you can shoot me in the foot and tell me to get my life together
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
ok I know you arent happy with the way we ended but paying someone to pass me an STD is TOTALLY FUCKED!!!
I'm getting married
To pizza
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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