You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I hope you dream of an avalanche of penises
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
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