i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
You don't understand. This could be the last time I shave a star into my vag. Get over here.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
I'm not sure what happened. There's a frozen waffle in the floor and he's walking around with a curtain rod and making planes out of bread slices...
Randomize
