Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i am doomed to only fuck guys with curved cocks
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Been there. Done that. Still have his t-shirt.
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