I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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