Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I think I will always strangely appreciate as well as kick ass at stoned dishes. Like for the rest of my life. Thank you slave job at Starbucks.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
