No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
