the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
i believe in u and ur pee
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
