New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
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