Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
I can feel my teeth in 4 dimensions. I shouldnt be this high at 8 in the morning.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
