She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.
We better fuck soon then
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
