My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
