I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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