look no pants
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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