So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
