Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
third nipple confirmed
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i only got to wear my halloween costume for an half hour before it got taken off.
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
